When it rains, it pours.
My sweet grandma died Sunday night. I know some of you were praying, etc for her and I can't tell you how much that meant to me. She was way too young but there is solace in the fact that she is at peace, that she doesn't struggle to breathe. Unfortunately, I never really got to spend much time with her over the years and that's something I will always regret. Between growing up in Germany, joining the Army after school and generally just living life, my memories of her are very limited. Although, reaching out was almost impossible for me with the poisonous words spoken by my mother forever ringing in my ears.
So, real family has never been a strength of mine. My friends are my family, I've said that ever since I can remember. I can blame that on 7 million different things, especially the way I grew up but I now realize that's just an excuse. An excuse to be anti-social. Angry. Bitter. Disconnected. I am not one to buy into excuses, I am a huge believer in personal responsibility.
I am such a hypocrite.
It's oppressing, this feeling I have in my chest. The realization that I haven't really been in control of my life. I haven't yet found my way out of this, sadness and regret are a powerful combination.
I also had the pleasure of wrecking my car this weekend. This has not been helpful. I had my friend Mel in the car with me and we are both okay. I'm focusing on that because that is what really matters. Cars will come and go, but life is precious. To say the least.
I woke up this morning determined to get out of this funk. I took a picture of the girl, wearing my Nixon hat. I think especially for me, my mood is usually evident in my pictures. Dark and blah. Nothing inspiring, not even one of my better shots but I have to admit, the sound of the shutter made me smile. Just a little.
P.S. The irony of my last post full of life and this one full of death isn't lost on me.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009 at 1:50PM 
